在美國製造“瘋狂” Made “Mad” in America
二十五年前，我不知不覺地被灌輸了一個心理健康系統(mental health system)，後來我發現它是人為的、冷酷的、破碎的(artificial, grim, and broken)。“他們”說一切都會好起來的——通過謊言和欺騙來承諾和平(promises of peace by way of lies and deceit)。生活暴露了陰影；變黑，傷痕累累(bruised)，四面楚歌(embattled.)。曾經很有趣的事情變成了無聊和悶悶不樂。不知道自己掉進了無底洞，有一天我醒來問我是誰或什麼？然後，就像頓悟一樣，它擊中了我：“這是我在我存在的第 15 年開始時經歷的一場噩夢。現在，快 40 歲了，世界正在敞開，揭示了我從未夢想過的命運。
Twenty-five years ago, I was unwittingly indoctrinated into a mental health system that I later discovered was artificial, grim, and broken. “They” said everything would be okay—promises of peace by way of lies and deceit. Life exposed a shadow; blackened, bruised, embattled. What used to be fun turned into boredom and glum. Unaware of the bottomless pit I had fallen into, I awoke one day questioning who or what am I? Then, like an epiphany, it hit me: ’twas a nightmare I endured at the onset of my fifteenth year of existence. Now, soon to be 40, the world is opening up, revealing a destiny I never dreamt possible.
在受制於藥物之前，我是一個聰明、快樂、自信、有規律的人。我沒有任何心理上的複雜性——–直到我發展了一場持續不斷的事情，經歷了數量驚人的令人衰弱的治療。
Prior to being at the mercy of pharmaceuticals, I was an intelligent, happy, confident, and regular kinda guy. I didn’t possess a single psychological intricacy—until my introduction to what developed into an ongoing affair with a staggering amount of debilitating treatments.
在我青春期後期發生了一個通常被誤解的糟糕日子之後，爸爸媽媽把我送到了許多心理病房(psych wards)中的第一個——我已經習慣了，在那裡度過的時間比在家的時間還多。不幸的是，那次事件帶來了越來越多的有毒雞尾酒清單(指一堆精神藥物)——這引發了令人費解的精神錯亂的季節，隨後是一場持續了近 30 年的迷幻之旅(psychedelic trip)。這導致我在多個瘋人箱(loony bins,精神病院)中隔離和隔離；將我的大腦鎖在監獄般的地獄中的卓越催化劑(the preeminent catalyst)。
After one typically misconstrued bad day, which occurred in my late adolescence, Mom and Dad committed me to the first of many psych wards—to which I became accustomed, spending more time there than at home. Unfortunately, that event ushered in an ever-expanding list of poisonous cocktails—which gave rise to seasons of mind-bending delirium, followed by a psychedelic trip that lasted nearly three decades. This led to my insulation and isolation in multiple loony bins; the preeminent catalyst that locked my brain inside a prison-like hell.
在接受了超過 100 次雙側 ECT 治療後，沒有一個能讓我恢復到某種形式的理智。這讓事情變得更糟了。出於這個原因，我不得不跑遍全國各地的診所，花費數萬美元尋找靈丹妙藥。
After undergoing upwards of 100 bilateral ECT treatments(電痙攣治療), none of it ever nurtured me back to some form of sanity; it made matters entirely worse. For that reason, I was compelled to travel to clinics across the country, spending tens of thousands of dollars in search of miracle cures.
// https://www.cgmh.org.tw/cgmn/cgmn_file/1804010.pdf bilateral ECT treatments
體重增加精神類藥物在此期間，我的體重因服用抗精神病藥而飆升至 300 多磅(約136公斤以上)。我非常接近患上糖尿病和心臟病發作。幸運的是，我還有更積極的命運。
In the intervening time, my weight skyrocketed to over 300 pounds from the antipsychotics. I was perilously close to developing diabetes and sustaining a heart attack. Fortunately, there was a more positive fate in store for me.
在我第一次進入瘋人院(bedlam)時，他們給我貼上了重度抑鬱症的標籤。一旦被抗抑鬱藥驚呆了，我就表現出一種錯綜複雜的侵入性、明目張膽的意象。這些所謂的醫學權威後來讓人聯想到雙相情感障礙的診斷——無論是雙相 1 型還是 2 型、混合型或快速循環型，還是分裂情感障礙的屬性。一位醫生甚至聲稱我表現出 ADD 的特徵。他用興奮劑對待我，這賦予了我超人般的人格，並在 24 小時內將我變成了現實生活中的傑基爾和海德(化身博士)。最可怕的事情是當他們堅持認為我有邊緣性人格障礙並堅持我的生活方式沒有意義時。顯然，他們永遠無法確認究竟出了什麼問題。
During my inaugural trip into bedlam(瘋人院), they labeled me with major depression. Once transfixed by antidepressants, I manifested an intricate mix of intrusive, blatant imagery. These so-called authorities of medicine later conjured a diagnosis of bipolar disorder—whether that be bipolar 1 or 2, mixed or rapid cycling, or attributes of schizoaffective disorder. One doctor even claimed I displayed traits of ADD. He treated me with stimulants, which bestowed in me a Superman-like persona, and within 24 hours transformed me into a real-life Jekyll & Hyde. The scariest occurrence was when they insisted I had borderline personality disorder and maintained there was no purpose to my way of life. Clearly, they could never confirm what had truly gone awry.
事實證明，我很容易受到系統中管理的所有內容的影響。咖啡因、Omega-3 和最少量的糖等化學物質會極大地改變我的性格。Depakote、Trileptal、Tegretol 和 Lamictal 等“情緒穩定劑”帶來了難以形容的混亂。大量吞服第一代、第二代和第三代抗精神病藥物會產生強烈的全面歇斯底里，並伴有幻聽和幻視。由於未知的原因，我當時消耗的每一種合成物質都會產生我們認為需要幫助的相反效果。
It turns out I’m susceptible to everything administered into my system. Chemicals like caffeine, Omega-3, and the slightest amounts of sugar would alter my disposition dramatically. “Mood stabilizers” such as Depakote, Trileptal, Tegretol and Lamictal brought forth indescribable chaos. Swallowing large quantities of first, second, and third-generation antipsychotics yielded intense full-blown hysteria, combined with auditory and visual hallucinations. For unknown reasons, every synthetic substance I consumed back then produced exactly the inverse effect of what we presume is required to help.
直到現在，我一直堅持所有災難的食譜(recipe for disaster,應該是指管理遊戲)。我想每個人都聲稱，儘管我已經明確地吞下、咀嚼和分解了大量的藥物。我對罕見的老式精神安定藥如 Haldol 和 Thorazine 感到很困惑，完全糊塗了。加入像 Clozaril、Risperdal、Geodon、Latuda、Invega、Abilify、Zyprexa 和 Saphris 這樣的日常藥物，你就擁有了失去生命的完美成分。
Until now, I’ve adhered to every recipe for disaster there is. I suppose everybody claims that, although I have definitively swallowed, chewed, and disintegrated a plethora of meds. I was spaced out and thoroughly befuddled on rare old-fashioned neuroleptics such as Haldol and Thorazine. Throw in drugs du jour like Clozaril, Risperdal, Geodon, Latuda, Invega, Abilify, Zyprexa, and Saphris, and you have the perfect ingredients for a life lived lost.
操縱性的白大褂欺詐讓我像一隻豚鼠(guinea pig,天竺鼠)一樣開出最有效劑量的這些藥片。因此，當我接受 Geodon(哲思) 時，他們會“修復”我超過 320 毫克的劑量，產生的後遺症導致我的眼睛向後滾動到我的頭上——需要 Cogentin(苯扎托品)強迫它停止。雪上加霜的是，他們將鋰混合到我的藥丸方案中。因此，除了容易在床上小便和口乾舌燥，我的手在試圖握住叉子或鉛筆時會不受控制地顫抖。他們的禮包(goodie bag)包括我展示的每種副作用的藥片(tablet)。
Manipulative white-coat frauds played me like a guinea pig by prescribing the most potent doses of those pills. Hence, while I received Geodon, they’d ‘fix me’ on over 320 mg, rendering an aftereffect that caused my eyes to roll back into my head—requiring Cogentin to force it to stop. Adding insult to injury, they mixed Lithium into my pill regimen. On account of that, besides being prone to urinating in bed and fighting with a humiliating dry mouth, my hands would tremble uncontrollably whilst attempting to hold a fork or pencil. Their goodie bag included a tablet for every side effect I exhibited.
“可是等等！如果您現在訂購，作為獎勵，這些藥物還會讓您吞食大量的比薩餅、汽水和糖果——導致您體重增加。
“But WAIT! If you ORDER NOW, as a BONUS, these drugs will also have you devouring massive portions of pizza, soda pop, and candy—causing you to gain an apocalyptic amount of weight.
“但是……這還不是全部！如果您現在訂購，優惠還將包括（但不限於）這些令人難以置信的副作用：
“But… THAT’S NOT ALL! If you order RIGHT NOW, the offer will also include (but not be limited to) these incredible side effects:
持續性肌肉痙攣Persistent muscle spasms
便秘Constipation
腹瀉Diarrhea
嘔吐Vomiting
幻覺（看到不存在的事物或聽到聲音）Hallucinations (seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist)
失去協調Loss of coordination
眼睛、臉、嘴唇、舌頭、喉嚨、手、腳、腳踝或小腿腫脹！”
Swelling of the eyes, face, lips, tongue, throat, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs!”
我們現在回到您定期安排的節目：
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING:
越來越多的混亂導致我從未接受過適當的教育。當我還是個孩子的時候，我的工作效率非常高，超越了大多數同齡人。儘管如此，在上中學時，一切都隨著我的第一個 Rx 腳本列表而改變。從那以後，我的智力和情緒迅速下降。如果我沒有在課堂上睡著或在辦公桌上流口水，我就會呆在家裡，與自我毀滅的想法作鬥爭。日復一日，我會尖叫和哭泣，向我父母扔東西，同時在他們的牆上踢洞。我爸爸經常打電話給警察，警察會把我的手腕綁在背後拉開。不僅如此，我失去了我曾經擁有的所有朋友，無法建立穩定的關係，提供愛或感情。
Increasing amounts of mayhem contributed to my never receiving a proper education. I had been super-productive, advancing beyond most of my peers when I was a kid. Nonetheless, while attending middle school, everything changed with my first list of Rx scripts. From there, my intelligence and mood barreled rapidly downhill. If I wasn’t falling asleep in class or drooling on my desk, I remained at home, battling self-destructive thoughts. Day after day, I would scream and cry, throwing objects at my parents while kicking holes in their walls. My dad often called the cops, who’d haul me away with my wrists zip-tied behind my back. Not only that, I lost every friend I’d ever had and was incapable of building a stable relationship offering love or affection.
在已經改變的狀態之上，我過度吸食雜草(大麻)，這引發了對現實的極度扭曲的願景。太高會導致癲癇發作、停電和驚恐發作，讓我表現得像個幼稚的小丑。結果，男人和女人都顯得害怕我。有些人甚至懷疑我是從罪中創造出來的；產生，然後出於一個個人目的 – 讓那些認為我錯了的人感到恐懼。
On top of an already altered state, I smoked weed excessively, which triggered wildly distorted visions of reality. Getting too high would induce seizures, blackouts, and panic attacks that had me behaving like a childish buffoon. As a result, men and women appeared afraid of me. Some even suspected I was created from sin; spawned, then borne out of one individual purpose—to strike fear in those who see me wrong.
那時我並沒有故意濫用任何藥物，儘管我承認我服用了許多鎮靜劑和助眠劑。自然地，它們在我的日常生活中得以實施——因為醫生建議我接受它們。我從來沒有或多或少地渴望過，儘管在吸食大麻時，有一些不可預見的時刻，我服用了更多的benzos(苯并二氮呯類藥物)撫了精神病和幻覺。
I did not purposely abuse any pharmaceuticals back then, even though I admittedly consumed many sedatives and sleeping aids. Naturally, they were implemented within my daily lifestyle—because the physicians advised me to accept them. I never craved more or less, although, when intoxicated on marijuana, there were unforeseen moments where I took more benzos to tranquilize the psychosis and hallucinations.
現實已成為我新的痴迷，而與我的前伴侶瑪麗·簡一起出去玩時，卻把我拉進了一個 20 英尺深的兔子洞。我再也不會屈服於那個灰色、煩躁的仙境了。
Reality has become my new obsession, whereas hanging out with my former companion, Mary Jane, pulled me down into a rabbit hole twenty feet deep. Never will I succumb to that gray, dysphoric wonderland again.
作為我在線尋找神奇藥丸的一部分，我在 2019 年初進行了以下網絡搜索：“市場上有哪些新的和改進的抗精神病藥物？” 經過數小時的調查，沒有任何個人轉變即將到來。精疲力竭地追求一種補救方法，那顆可以讓我擺脫長達數十年的精神病的靈丹妙藥，在絕望的時刻和幸運的一擊中，我偶然發現了一些更真實的東西。
As part of my online quest for a wonder pill, in early 2019, I conducted the following web search: “What are some of the new and improved antipsychotics on the market?” After hours of investigation, nothing personally transformational was forthcoming. Exhausted chasing after a remedy, that magic bullet to release me from my decades-long psychosis, in a moment of despair and by a stroke of good luck I stumbled upon something remarkably more real.
我所在頁面頂部附近的初始鏈接包含一個關於 Laura Delano 的敘述。我開始閱讀它，我的注意力立刻被吸引了。我無法將我罕見的注意力從專欄中抽離足夠長的時間來重新開始我的研究。寫完文章後，我發現自己大聲重複了這句話：“我沒有任何問題！” 姍姍來遲，一切都說得通了。
The initial link near the top of the page I was on contained a narrative referring to Laura Delano. I began reading it, and my attention was instantly piqued. I couldn’t draw my rare sense of concentration away from the column long enough to go back to my research. Upon completion of the article, I found myself repeating these words out loud: “There’s not a single thing wrong with me!” Belatedly, it all made sense.
在我淒涼和破碎的自我中徘徊的所有瘋狂和妄想中，是什麼分散了我的注意力，使我無法識別自己的真實身份？
What could have distracted me from not recognizing my true identity throughout all the madness and delusion that lingered in my bleak and shattered self?
是藥丸！
IT WAS THE PILLS!
說到藥片：我服用了 2000 毫克的 Depakote ER、2 毫克的 Risperdal、6 毫克的 Klonopin 和 160 毫克的 Inderal LA。更不用說我每晚都在吃的 100 毫克苯那君，再加上大量的褪黑激素。我不想再被視為怪胎或異常而被看不起。需要做點什麼。
Speaking of pills: I was on 2000 mg of Depakote ER, 2 mg of Risperdal, 6 mg of Klonopin, and 160 mg of Inderal LA. Not to mention the 100 mg of Benadryl I was also scarfing down every night, plus ample doses of melatonin. I didn’t want to be looked down upon as a freak or abnormality anymore. Something needed to be done.
我的直接方法是檢查自己排毒以消除苯二氮卓類藥物 Klonopin。然而，我很快就知道這個想法是衝動的，並且基於我沒有接受過關於戒斷和逐漸減少藥物的教育。該設施的隨行醫生讓我從所有 6 毫克的 Klonopin 冷火雞中取出。相應地選擇苯巴比妥並在五天的過程中減少。在那五天裡，我被令人眼花繚亂的痛苦叫喊所包圍。當我像樹葉一樣顫抖著從床上滾下來時，癲癇發作來了又去。時間似乎靜止了；當我在冬眠狀態中進進出出時，我看著鐘擺擺動。我很快就感到窒息，抓著牆壁，渴望逃脫。
My immediate approach was to check myself into detox to eliminate the benzodiazepine Klonopin. However, I soon learned that idea was impulsive and based on me being uneducated regarding withdrawal and tapering meds. The accompanying physicians at that facility took me off all 6 mg of Klonopin cold turkey. Phenobarbital was accordingly selected and decreased over the course of five days. Within those five days, I was besieged by bewildering cries of misery. Seizures came and went while I lay shaking like a leaf, tumbling out of bed. Time appeared as if it stood still; I watched the pendulum swing as I drifted in and out of a hibernated state. I soon felt smothered, clawing at the walls, longing to escape.
在我從人間地獄般的地方出院後，我又一次陷入了驚慌失措的瘋狂之中。睡眠是不存在的，導致四五天完全清醒——這促使我聽到和看到無法想像的事情。當我站在沙發上時，妄想症開始發作，在我公寓的廣播揚聲器上貼膠帶，假設它們是我經常自言自語的麥克風在聽我說話。我在晚上出現了蜘蛛恐懼症，認為蜘蛛在我的床單上爬來爬去。我的心跳開始以一種快速的節奏在我的肋骨下方跳動。我在汗水里來回搖晃，連續兩個月赤身裸體，尿在身上，無法鼓起勇氣走到廁所。我躺在地板上一個不斷上升的水坑里，花了無數個小時衝著冰冷的淋浴，渴望某種平靜。每當我試圖離開這個水坑時，我都會直接回到裡面，不顧一切地冷卻灼熱的汗水。
Following my discharge from what seemed like hell on earth, I plunged into a panic-stricken frenzy all over again. Sleep was non-existent, resulting in four or five days of being wide awake—which provoked me to hear and see things that couldn’t conceivably appear. Paranoia kicked in as I stood on my couch, sticking tape on the announcement speakers in my apartment, assuming they were microphones listening to me as I often talked to myself. I developed arachnophobia at night, believing spiders were crawling all over my sheets. My heartbeat started thumping at the underside of my ribs in a quick-driving rhythm. I rocked back and forth in a pool of sweat, naked for two months straight, peeing all over myself without being able to muster the strength to walk to the toilet. I spent endless hours taking ice-cold showers while lying on the floor in a rising puddle, longing for some kind of peace. Whenever I tried leaving this watery hole, I proceeded to go right back in, desperate to cool the scorching sweats.
沒有人會接聽我的電話或電子郵件；甚至我以前最好的伙伴也不想靠近我。我最希望痛苦結束，並計劃向緩慢而痛苦的死亡投降。然而，我腦海中一個救贖的聲音向我保證，我注定要付出更多。儘管我年輕時曾多次嘗試自殺，但我無法忍受——因為在我的靈魂深處燃燒著表達和創造的慾望。希望，我才剛剛開始。
Nobody would accept my calls or emails; even my former best buddy didn’t want to be near me. I wished more than anything for the agony to end and made plans to surrender to a slow and painful death. However, a redeeming voice inside my head assured me that I was meant for so much more. Despite recurring suicide attempts when I was younger, I couldn’t go through with them—because deep within my soul burns a desire to express and create. Hopefully, I’ve only just begun.
在脫離接觸後，我開始減少我的 Risperdal，但我非常快速地逐漸減少它，讓我過度退出。我仍然沒有接受過這個過程的教育，但我遇到了一位新的精神科醫生。他立即讓我服用 600 毫克 Seroquel XR、400 毫克速釋 Seroquel、1800 毫克 Neurontin 和 1998 毫克 Campral，而我還在 Depakote 和 Inderal 的誘惑下。低頭看了看手中的處方，我開始對我曾經認為的唯一出路失去信心。
During that post-disengagement, I began reducing my Risperdal, but I tapered it exceedingly fast, delivering me into excessive withdrawal. Still uneducated about the process, I met with a new psychiatrist. He instantly put me on 600 mg of Seroquel XR, 400 mg of immediate-release Seroquel, 1800 mg of Neurontin, and 1998 mg of Campral while I was still under the seduction of Depakote and Inderal. Glancing down at a prescription in hand, I began losing faith in what I once believed was the only way out.
就在那時，我看到了一個名為The Inner Compass的網站，並製定了我的行動計劃。我設計了圖表和 Word 文檔來評估如何系統地處理每種藥物，並開始每月一次將 Depakote ER 減少 250 毫克，直到它被淘汰。在那之後不久，我退出了 Campral，沒有任何問題。比我應該做的更快地減少 Seroquel 對我來說是不明智的。當我的劑量低於 400 毫克時，我出現了急性精神病發作，再次回到精神病房，在那裡我被灌入了 6 毫克的 Vraylar。由於存在分歧的不確定性和缺乏動力，我讓他們在最後的、稍縱即逝的時光中隨心所欲。
It was then that I caught sight of a website called The Inner Compass and developed my Plan of Action. I designed charts and Word documents to assess how to systematically dispose of every medication, and began reducing the Depakote ER by 250 mg once a month until it was done away with. Shortly after that, I quit the Campral with no problematic effects. Cutting back the Seroquel a little quicker than I should have was ill-advised on my part. When I got below 400 mg I had an acute psychotic break, returning to the psych ward once again, where I was drugged up with 6 mg of Vraylar. With a divided uncertainty and lack of incentive, I let them have their way with me one final, fleeting time.
// https://www.theinnercompass.org/
男孩，這是一個很大的錯誤！
Boy, was that a BIG mistake!
他們強迫我進入一間帶軟墊的房間，打了鎮靜劑，然後系上繫帶的白色夾克——只是為了躺在骯髒、寒冷的地板上的一張小彈簧床上。無濟於事，我一再試圖鬆開我的手，因為它們從我手腕上緊繃的絞索狀帶子流血。最後，我抬起頭，看到了一個小小的窗玻璃，透過它我感受到了陽光的溫暖，看到了一根樹枝敲打著天花板——當我超越悲傷和明天的夢想時，我抓住了一絲希望。
They forced me inside a padded room, sedated, then laced, white jacket in place—only to lie against a diminutive bed of springs above a filthy, frigid floor. To no avail, I repeatedly tried to free my hands as they bled from the tight, noose-like band around my wrists. Finally, I looked up and observed a small windowpane, through which I felt the sun’s warmth and witnessed a tree branch tapping on the ceiling—a glimmer of hope I hold onto as I look past sorrow and dream of tomorrow.
在我飛出布穀鳥巢之前，主治的精神科醫生讓我坐下，說：“瑞恩，這並不意味著你是一個受損的人。這意味著你的出生方式永遠不會像其他任何人一樣。” 這仍然是醫生向我透露的唯一合理的事情。我和其他人不一樣。我注意到陰暗的陰影中的光芒，以及其他人認為嚴重和令人不快的微妙之處。
Before I flew out of that cuckoo’s nest, the attending psychiatrist sat me down and said, “Ryan, this does not imply you are a damaged human being. It means you were born in a manner that you will never be like anybody else.” That remains the only plausible thing a doctor has ever disclosed to me. I am not like everyone else. I notice the light in the dismal, darkened shadows, and the delicacy in what others perceive as grave and displeasing.
回到家後，我更加專注於我的行動計劃。我開始逐漸移動，監控我的身心。首先，我將我的 Seroquel 降低了 25 毫克，切割和剃鬚直到它只是灰塵。這個過程持續了 12 個月，或者更簡單地說——我生命中的一整年，我再也回不來了。請原諒我使用褻瀆；我不應該說無情。
After returning home, I became even more dedicated to my Plan of Action. I started moving gradually, monitoring my mind and body. First I lowered my Seroquel by 25 mg, cutting and shaving it until it was merely dust. That process took an unrelenting 12 months, or in plainer terms—an entire fucking year of my life I’ll never get back. Pardon my use of profanity; I shouldn’t have said unrelenting.
減肥不久之後，我逐漸減少了 Inderal LA，將其轉換為直接形式——通過少量縮小直到它消失。當我離開 Seroquel 時，下一個階段是讓自己專注於日常鍛煉，其中包括每天步行 10 英里。隨後成為 Weight Watchers 會員，通過它我在不到一年的時間裡減掉了 130 多磅。我不吃也不喝咖啡因，消耗最少的糖和碳水化合物，並保持一致的睡眠和醒來週期。
Soon after, I tapered off the Inderal LA, converting it into immediate form—scaling it down via tiny amounts until it was gone. As I got off the Seroquel, the next stage was devoting myself to an exercise routine, which included walking up to ten miles a day. A Weight Watchers membership ensued, through which I lost over 130 pounds in less than a year. I don’t eat or drink caffeine, consume minimal sugar and carbs, and maintain consistent sleep and wake cycles.
在去除所有 Inderal 和 Seroquel 的痕跡後，我停用了 100 毫克苯那君和褪黑激素，我已經攝入了一半以上的歷史。退出沒什麼大不了的，但把他們拋在後面的結果，實際上是我康復的關鍵一步。下一個：Neurontin，每週 100 毫克，永遠不會回來，直到我的藥丸容器 25 年來第一次空了。試金石來自第二代抗精神病藥 Vraylar。因為它們是含有粉末的膠囊，所以我必須想出一種技術來完全擺脫它。首先，我會打開、準備並每週減少 0.125 毫克。然後，直接從《疤面煞星》中的一個場景出來，我用剃須刀把粉末仔細地整理在鏡子上，每天早上舔一次。正式從 6 毫克降至 0.50 毫克，我 91.6% 擺脫了毒品負擔。。
After removing all traces of Inderal and Seroquel, I retired the 100 mg of Benadryl and melatonin I’d been ingesting for more than half my history. It was no big deal to withdraw from, but the outcome of leaving them behind was, in fact, a pivotal step in my recovery. Next nixed: Neurontin, by 100 mg a week, never to return, until my pill container was empty for the first time in a quarter-century. The litmus test was coming off the Vraylar, a second-generation antipsychotic. Because they were capsules containing powder, I had to work out a technique to rid myself of it entirely. First, I would open, prepare, and reduce them by 0.125 mg weekly. Then, straight out of a scene from Scarface, I meticulously arranged the powder with a razor on a mirror and licked it up once every morning. Officially being down to 0.50 mg from 6 mg, I am 91.6% free from my drug-riddled burden.
當日子不好過時，我從不放棄，即使我認為我已經受夠了。
I never give up when times get rough, not even when I think I’ve suffered enough.
我需要三年多的時間才能從我的身體中清除所有這些藥物——但這僅代表它們入侵我係統的時間的一小部分。儘管如此，要從這些藥物對我的有害影響中恢復過來還需要無數個月的時間。儘管如此，我現在很舒服地認為我身邊的人發現我是一個完全不同的人。我現在和家人意見一致，我結交了新朋友，並在此過程中發展了一些有意義的關係。
It will take me over three years to remove all this medication from my body—yet that represents barely a fraction of the time they’ve been invading my system. Still, it will take countless months to recover from the harmful effects these drugs had on my mind. Be that as it may, I’m presently comfortable thinking that those within my close circle find me to be an entirely different person. I now see eye-to-eye with my family, and I’m making new friends and developing some meaningful relationships along the way.
在處理了這種史詩般的精神錯亂之後，我意識到一種與生俱來的渴望通過寫作來表達自己。儘管我缺乏正規教育，並且在試圖應對大量藥物問題的過程中，我還是設法出版了我的第一本詩集《欣快仙境》。
In the wake of dealing with this epic insanity, I recognized an innate yearning to express myself through writing. Despite my lack of formal education and in the process of trying to cope with an onslaught of medicinal matters, I managed to publish my first collection of poetry, Euphoric Wonderland.
能夠實現積極高效的未來，這讓我感到自豪和喜悅，這在不久前是不可想像的。我正在參加作家活動，通過分享我的故事，我正在齊心協力地激勵那些尋求改善生活的人——一次一場的鬥爭。人們不再把我看成怪物，我也不再。生活是美好的，我覺得我曾經夢想的命運在我的掌握之中。
It fills me with pride and joy to be on my way to achieving a positively productive future that was inconceivable not too long ago. I’m traveling to author events, and by sharing my story, I am making a concerted effort to inspire individuals who are seeking to improve their lives—one struggle at a time. People no longer perceive me as a monster, and neither do I. Life is good, and I feel the destiny I once dreamt of is well within my grasp.
來源:
https://www.madinamerica.com/2022/05/made-mad-in-america/
https://bangqu.com/974LF7.html
瑞安·M·貝克爾
https://ryanmbecker.com/
Ryan 的終生旅程充滿挑戰。 然而，面對每一個個人的逆境，他設法制定了一條可以恢復理智、獲得信心並最終讓他擺脫一連串診斷標籤的路線。 他想與全世界分享他的故事，以幫助可能面臨類似挑戰的其他人，向他們展示通過奉獻精神、毅力和重要信息，救濟就在眼前。
Ryan M. Becker
https://ryanmbecker.com/
Ryan’s lifelong journey has been rife with challenges. Yet, in the face of every personal adversity, he managed to chart a course that would restore sanity, gain confidence, and ultimately free him from a litany of diagnostic labels. He wants to share his story with the world, to help others who may be enduring similar challenges, showing them that with dedication, perseverance, and vital information, relief is at hand.